It’s Halloween, and if you’re not getting ready to feast your sugar-addled eyes on a bunch of terrifying flicks tonight, you’re failing at life. But you know who fails even worse? The gainfully employed characters in pretty much all B-grade horror movies. If you happen to find yourself in one of these ill-fated horror movie jobs, be afraid, be very afraid…*
(*Yes, okay, fine – most of these jobs are actually pretty normal and frequently awesome, and you should probably consider one of them as career choice. But only if you feel like it and only if there haven’t been any unexplained disappearances in your neighbourhood - probably caused by a giant shark with tentacles - okay?!)
Okay, so while this is not technically a job (although some of us have made careers out of studying and our mums want to know when we’re getting actual jobs), being a student in a horror movie basically means you’re bait. If you’re a group of happy, really hot students going on spring break or a charming getaway in the woods somewhere next to a lake, then you’re just taking part in an extreme blood donation event. (Thank you for your service.) Think Cabin in the Woods, Zombeaver, Prom Night, Urban Legend, Jennifer’s Body, The Craft…
Don’t say: “This is going to be so much FUN!”
Do say: “That beaver is diseased and I am going home immediately. To study, of course.”
When there’s something strange… In your neighbourhood… Who you gonna call? Well, probably the military, actually. And as we’ve seen time and time again, being a soldier on the front lines of a monster invasion seriously impacts your opportunities to get promoted someday. When in doubt, it’s best to avoid the army and stick with a band of scruffy, unlikely heroes if you want to survive. (Not that that worked for the trained marines in iconic Indie horror Dog Soldiers, though…)
Don’t say: “Target acquired and moving in, Captain!”
Do say: “Can I get a desk job in admin?”
Look, farmers are busy people. They don’t have TIME to deal with creepy kids (Children of the Corn), deranged farm animals (Black Sheep), supernatural straw-stuffed effigies (Scarecrows) and crop-circle causing alien menaces (Signs). Frankly, it’s all they can do to feed the masses and keep food on their own tables, so they’re not impressed by some random crazy scientists trying to convince them that bloodthirsty New Zealand sheep are a good idea.
Don’t say: “Oh, that’s just the scarecrow, it wouldn’t even harm a crow.”
Do say: “I’m selling up and moving to Melbourne.”
If horror movies are to be believed, most cops are bungling buffoons who can’t find the serial killer/ slasher/ ghost/ werewolf if it bit them on the bum. (Unless you’re watching Wolf Cop, in which case the actual cop is the werewolf, so there’s that.) One notable exception is Deputy Dewey Riley in the Scream series. He seems a bit bumbling at the start and is always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he’s actually quite tenacious and brave. Which is what you want at the end of the movie when the creepy masked psycho is STILL not dead… (Special mention here goes to security guards: usually first line of defence, first to check out the creepy noise, and first to kick the bucket. We’re sorry.)
Don’t say: “Can you be 100% sure that the suspect was wielding the axe in a threatening manner and not just looking for a tree to chop?”
Do say: “Hand me that flamethrower we confiscated last week.”
When monsters come to town, someone has to cover the story… Cue entrance of an intrepid reporter, ready to break the story and (usually) get it dead wrong! Just think of Gale Rivers in Scream. The poor media also often get caught up in the wrong kind of action, such as the reality TV show team who follow a crew of fire fighters to a routine call out in the movie Rec… Yeah, no. Things get pretty gnarly for Naomi Watts’ character in The Ring, too, after she watches that dodgy video that causes people to die seven days after they’ve ogled it. Covering the local bake sale is way easier.
Don’t say: “This story could make my career!”
Do say: “That’s not my beat, send the rookie.”
Jaws. Sharknado. Sharktopus. Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf. (What. Even.) The Meg. Piranha. Frankly, it’s a miracle that anybody still actually wants to become a marine biologist, ever. And don’t talk to us about discovering the magic of what lies beneath the waves. We’ve SEEN the wonders of the deep, and they’re pretty much built out of teeth and slime!
Don’t say: “Siamese Fighter Fish are actually really docile and it’s impossible for them to grow larger than your thumb.”
Do say: “Out of the water RIGHT NOW you silly flops!”
So you’re hunting the secret to eternal life, and it’s hidden somewhere in the Amazon, and you’re a hot scientist who’s dead set on finding it… Hi there, Jennifer Lopez – welcome to Anaconda! And all the other Anaconda spin offs filled to bursting with hot scientists and unfortunate boat captains, and scientists messing about in space with acid-oozing aliens, and scientists creating seriously dodgy creatures that should never have seen the light of day (Human Centipede, Splice and Frankenstein’s Monster, we’re looking at you and it hurts our eyes). Often, their creations turn on them – with grisly results.
Don’t say: “It’s alive!”
Do say: “I’m retraining to become a librarian.”
Speaking of: being a boat captain is a really bad career choice, especially when you’re setting out to battle a massive shark that’s been chowing down on an all-you-can-eat buffet of local community members and their pets. Jaws is one example, and The Meg is another. Come on, Jason Statham: you’re battling a Megalodon and THAT’S your boat?! One notable survivor is Captain Bill Johnson from Anaconda: Hunt for the Blood Orchid. Yes, his boat got smashed, but he made it out. And got the girl. (Duh.)
Don’t say: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
Do say: “For this mission, I’ve commandeered the luxury cruise liner Pacific Dream.”
Chucky. Annabelle. Billy. Slappy from the Goosebumps movie. Movies such as Child’s Play, Saw and The Puppet Masters have cured us from wanting any dolls or puppets in our homes, ever. Not even a Wiggles Emma Ballerina Doll, thank you very much.
Don’t say: “I just love how its eyes follow me around!”
Do say: “We’re building a bonfire in the back yard, bring your dolls!”
The Alien movies. Elon Musk can keep Mars. ‘Nuff said.
After movies such as IT, we seriously doubt that choosing a career as a clown entertainer will appeal to anyone. Lots of people are terrified of clowns, anyway. Just step away from the balloons.
Don’t say: “Want a balloon?”
Do say: “Nothing to float here, move along.”
No one:
Teachers: Oh, hey, how about we re-open an old abandoned summer camp and take our students to experience the beauty of nature next Friday, which happens to be the 13th…?
Voice-over: And that was when the creepy guy in the mask showed up.
(Also see The Expelled, The Substitute, The Faculty and After Midnight for teachery antics.)
If horror movies are to be believed, writers regularly go nuts. (It’s the writer’s block, I tell ya.) So if you love words and dream of writing the Great Australian Novel one day, first watch The Shining. And Secret Window, too.
Don’t say: “Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!”
Do say: “I think I’m more of a numbers person, actually.”
Spare a thought for the poor people who clean up the mess just after you’ve recklessly said “Candyman” in front of your mirror five times. Because of COURSE you did. Whether they’re professional crime scene cleaners, school janitors or just a mum who must mop up after her possessed and projectile-vomiting daughter, it’s nobody’s idea of a good time to sort out the bits of glass from the bits of blood, bone and sulphur on the rug that will NEVER tie the room together again.
Don’t say: “There’s a special on bulk bleach wipes at Aldi, shall we do a quick run?”
Do say: “Just burn it all. We’ll rebuild.”
Psychologist / Psychiatrist
Here’s to all the psychologists, psychiatrists, nurses and guards who had to deal with Halloween’s Michael Myers while he was locked away for being horrible to his sister. (Understatement.) There was just no reasoning with that guy. And after he escaped, the doctors and nurses and guards who managed to survive probably got fired. (Just because we didn’t see it happen on screen doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening, okay!) Also, in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 a psychiatrist must help teens at a mental hospital battle the horror of a dream-invading Freddy. Docs don’t get enough danger pay, frankly.
Of course, sometimes the institution itself is part of the problem… See The Ward, Asylum, Gothika and Insanitarium. In those cases, just check out before you even check in because you’ll never see the light of day again.
Don’t say: “It’s only in your head.”
Do say: “We’re all mad, here…”
Have an irresistible urge to go exploring? Here are four good reasons to never, ever set foot into any kind of cave or shallow depression in the ground, ever again. The Descent. 37 Metres Down. The Cave. As Above, So Below. It’s just not worth discovering fantastical new creatures or the magic of stalactites and stalagmites and similar cavernous wonders because SOMETHING DOWN THERE ALWAYS WANTS TO EAT YOU. Or bathe in a lake of your blood. (The Descent is still the most terrifying flick we’ve ever seen.) Also, claustrophobia. And bats.
Don’t say: “Let’s dig deep and conquer our fears!”
Do say: “It’s not called Emily in the Catacombs of Paris, is it? Exactly.”
On the one hand, you have Raw: a cautionary tale involving a first-year veterinary school student and her older sister who both go haywire after a hazing incident involving bunny kidneys. It’s enough to turn anyone vegan...
On the other, you have a string of suspect animals that no veterinarian ever wants in their waiting room: Cujo the dog (Cujo). Church the cat (Pet Sematary). Sheep of any kind (Black Sheep). That triceratops with the very upset stomach (Jurassic Park). The tiger from Burning Bright. Best stick to treating guppies, really.
Don’t say: “Who’s a good boy, then? YOU’RE a good boy!”
Do say: “Switch off Tiger King right now!”
